Les Miserables of the Opera
by Tiepobadaae
Summary: The characters from les mis are forced to perform phantom. Will they survive the super awkward casting?
1. Awkward Casting

**Disclaimer: Me not own les mis or phantom**

**This is a parody of the movie cast of phantom, whom I love s I'll try not to be too mean. I think Gerard Butler can sing, just not opera, though I like the rock take, and emmy rossum can sing opera, she just chose not to for some reason.**

Director: Hello, I am your director, whom you are to refer to as Selene, because I think actors and directors are equal, though I will constantly be proving myself wrong by exercising my power over you, which grows stronger yet.

So the cast list is as follows

Joseph Buquet

Will be played by Grantaire, as he has requested a part where he can still drink.

Grantaire: Hmm, what.

Director: Madame Giry will be played by Fantine, because she has a blond soprano daughter.

Fantine: I'd like to think I got in because I have a good voice.

Director: As would I, as would I.

Firmin will be played by Javert.

Javert: I-

Director Awkwardly, Andre will be played by Jean Valjean.

JVJ: I'm not here.

Javert: Aha, I have found you 24601!

JVJ: AHH (Chase scene ensues)

Director:… anyway

Carlotta will be played by Madame Thénardier.

Mme. T: I have a daughter too, you know. Two, actually.

Director: Not a blonde, and anyway you shouldn't worry about your daughter's part.

Mme. T: I wasn't, I-

Director: Piangi will be played by Thénardier.

T: How much will ya be payin' me?

Director: Handsomely, and speaking of fops, Raoul will be played by Marius, because it makes sense.

Marius: I'm not a fop.

Director: I was talking about Raoul.

Anyway, Meg will be played be

Cosette!

Cosette: What? But I'm the only real soprano here, and who can sing opera. Not to mention Marius and-

Director: Yeah yeah, but we want a brunette, and an alto who can't sing opera. So who better to play Christine than Éponine?

Éponine: Yay! Hooray for Eppie Bopping!

Marius: That's awkward.

Director: Don't worry, it gets worse. Now, we needed a handsome face to play the Phantom, and who better than Enjolras. However, because he threatened to start a revolution, we decided he would play Gustave, in the scene where you see Gustave's picture.

Enjolras: I'll do it for the 25th anniversary though.

Director: Good, because you have no idea how many Eponine/Enjy fan girls are threatening us right now. We at least calmed Éponine's fans.

Now, the phantom will be played by…

Éponine (taking a hint): Hideously awkward, well it can only be for me now. (Horrible realization) wait a minute, please don't be-

Director: Montparnasse.

Marius: Ouch, now that's really awkward.

Éponine: Hey Cosette, still want Christine?

Cosette: No

Monty: This'll be fun, I get to kill Marius, and marry Éponine, ideal plot.

Director: read the script.

Éponine: 'Parnasse, are you sure this is the right role for you? The make-up people have to make you ugly.

Monty: Don't worry, 'Ponine. They showed me the deformity, and we've made sure it's not that bad. Plus they need someone with a big fan base.

Director: Let the Hunger Games Begin!

Éponine: wait, can we choose hunger games instead?

Director: Nope, mwa ha ha ha ha

Eponine: I thought I was your favorite.

Director: You are, remember, I placed you with Marius.

Eponine: The things I do for love.

Marius (singing to Cosette): I did not live until today, how can I live when we are parted?

Marius and Cosette: Tomorrow you'll in another duet. With Eponine, I feel so green.

Monty: Tough break 'Ponine. Well, I'm off to get deformified. Hope you like men in masks.

**Poor 'Ponine, and Jean Valjean, I'm so evil, though it sucks for Cosette and Marius too.**


	2. Think of me marius

**Disclaimer: Me not own les mis or phantom**

**On to the performance. Éponine and Christine are my dream roles. Along with Ti Moune from once on this island, but unless I can find a rainbow casting I'm doomed with Andréa (It was fun for me the first time). Bold is scripted. Some things will be skipped, cause I'm lazy**.

Marius: Good God! How did I get so old?

Toussaint: You traveled forward in time.

Marius: Then why is it in Black and White?

**Bishop: Sold! Your number sir **(not waiting for a response), **thank you. 665, ladies and Gentlemen a musical box in the shape of a barrel organ, attached, the figure of a monkey in Persian robes playing the symbols. This item discovered in the vaults of the theatre, still in working order ladies and gentlemen. **Wow, specific, much?

**Joly: Showing here. (Plays box).** Ooh catchy tune.

**Bishop: Sold, to the Vicomte de Chagny, thank you sir. **

**Marius: A collectors piece indeed.** Eek, I'm singing with out moving my lips. **Every detail, exactly as she said.** Toussaint, when did you say that, or are you not the "she". **Will you still play when all the rest of us are dead.** Emo alert!

**Bishop: 666**, eek the devil's number! **A chandelier in pieces. ** Well we certainly take good care of our merchandise, what are we Thénardiers, and they wonder why their inn closed**. Some of you may recall the strange affair of the Phantom of the Opera. ** Ooh, creepy music**. A mystery never fully explained. We are told, that this is the very chandelier that figures in the famous disaster. Perhaps we can frighten away the ghost of so many years ago, with a little illumination. Gentlemen.** Oww! Who turned up the radio. Wow, this place is cleaning itself, better get offstage

Grantaire: Why am I looking in here, nobody's doing anything except drinking alcohol.

Éponine: I hate you

Cosette: that's mean.

**Mme. T: From our saviors, from our saviors**

**Chorus: Strutting around a diva,**

**Tonight a celebration**

**Wonder how long till she "Quits"**

**Shouldn't be much longer.**

**T: Sad to see the land we love-**

**Courfeyrac: Maestro, Mme. Giry**

T: hey ya interrupted me!

**Courfeyrac: I am indeed retiring, and I am pleased to introduce the men who now own the opera popular, Monsieur Andre, and Firmin.**

Javert: I'll get you 2460-

**JVJ: And it is our duty to introduce the opera's new patron, the Vicomte de Chagny.**

**Éponine: OMG, Raoul and I were like totally together, and he called me little Lottie.**

**Cosette: Why?**

**Éponine: No idea.**

Marius: Hi Cosette

**Éponine:** And I know it's only in my mind (Nudged by Cosette**) I mean, he wouldn't remember me.**

**Cosette: He didn't see you**

Éponine: He never did

Marius: Only Cosette.

**(rehearsal continues)**

**Fantine: We are proud of our ballet, which I run.**

**Javert: (Disgusted by this line) Who's that blonde hottie over there.**

**Fantine: That would my daughter.**

Marius: She's taken.

**JVJ:** Awkward**, and that exceptional beauty. No relation?**

Éponine: Me? Really? Well, the make-up crew does do wonders. Hey, Marius, I'm an exceptional beauty!

Marius: Not as lovely as Cosette.

**Fantine:** My daughter is NOT a "lovely lady" (meaning prostitute**). Christine Daaé, promising talent. **

**Mme T: I'm going to be mad just because I can, and now I'm going to quit.**

**JVJ: Please sing for us!**

**Mme T: Ok, I'm bi-polar.**

T: Women!

**Mme T: Think of me!**

**Monty: hehe (drops set on Mme T)**

**Mme T: (BLEEP) I quit!**

**JVJ: Now who will sing for us if we can't find someone else who can't sing.**

**Fantine: I have a message from the Opera Ghost.**

**Javert: You're all obsessed.**

Éponine: He's the one who's obsessed with Christine.

Monty: Hypocrite, "Oh Marius, I love you"

Éponine: Look who's talking!

**Fantine:**… Anyway

**He welcomes you to HIS opera house**

**Javert: His?** By the just of the law-

**Fantine: and demands that you leave box 5 empty for his use. And reminds you that his salary is due.**

**JVJ: A salary?**

**Fantine: 15 thousand francs a month.**

T: I'll take it.

**Javert: What?**

**Fantine: Perhaps you can afford more.**

**JVJ: Madame, I had hoped to make that announcement pubic tonight, when the Vicomte was to join us for the gala, but obviously we shall now have to cancel, as it appears we have lost our star**. Hehe I like ripping things, especially yellow tickets.

Javert: No show means I can get you at last 2460-

**Fantine: Christine can sing it sir.**

**Javert: a chorus girl, **over an escaped convict?

**Fantine: She has been taking lessons from a great teacher.**

**JVJ: Who?**

**Éponine: IDK his name. He's just a voice that calls himself the angel of music and never lets me see him.**

**JVJ: and you're ok with this?**

**Éponine: Yeah.**

**Fantine: Let her sing for you, she has been well taught.**

Éponine: On my Own, I mean **Think of me**

**Think of me fondly when we've said goodbye**

**Remember me, once in a while, promise me you'll try**

Marius: Ok, Azelma, I mean 'Ponine.

**Éponine: When you find that once again you long, to take your heart back and be free**

**If you ever find a moment**

**Spare a thought for me.**

Whoa, I'm in a pretty dress with sparkles in my hair, and an audience

Monty: Then why did it take 4 hours to get this stupid deformity on?

**Éponine: We never said, our love was evergreen**

**Or as unchanging as the sea, but please promise me that sometimes**

**You will think of me**

**Think of all the things we've said and seen**

**Don't think about the way things might have been.**

Marius: If only Cosette could have played Christine.

**Éponine: Think of me, think of me waking, silent and resigned**

**Imagine me trying too hard to put you from my mind**

Marius: I wish

**Éponine: Recall those days, think back on all those times**

**Think of the things we'll never do**

Marius: I'd rather not.

**Éponine: There will never be a day when I won't think of you.**

**Marius: Can it be, can it be 'Ponine, I mean Christine. Bravo**

**Long ago, it seemed so long ago, how young and innocent we were**

**She may not remember me**

**But I remember her**

**Éponine: Flowers fade, the fruits of summer fade**

**They have their seasons so do we**

**But please promise me that sometimes you think of**

**Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh**

**Me**

Cosette: Really, you slowed it down for her.

(Scene change)

Enjolras fan girls: ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh a picture of Enjy poo

(Cast spends ten minutes writhing on the ground in ear splitting pain)

**Monty: Bravi bravi bravisimi**

Éponine: AHHHH, 'Parnasse, show yourself!

**Cosette: Christine, Christine **should have been my part

**Monty: Christine**

**Cosette: Where in the world have you been hiding, really you were perfect.** I would have been better

Marius (in the distance): Yes you would honey.

**Cosette: I only wish I knew your secret, who is your great tutor.**

**Éponine: I know I'm going to sound crazy**

Cosette: You tried to kill Marius!

Éponine: Then I changed my mind and gave my life for him. Speaking of which, shouldn't I be dead?

Anyway. **Father once spoke of an angel, I used to dream he'd appear. Now as I sing I can sense him, and I know he's here. Here in this room he calls me softly, somewhere inside hiding. Somehow I know he's always with me, he the unseen genius.**

**Cosette: **You're mad.** Christine, you must have been dreaming. Stories like this can't come true. Christine, you're talking in riddles, and it's not like you.**

**Éponine and Cosette: Angel of Music hide no longer**

**Secret and strange angel**

**Éponine: he's with me, even now.**

**Cosette: Your hands are cold,**

**Éponine: all around me.**

**Cosette: Your face, Christine, it's white**, I think you died again.

**Éponine: It frightens me.**

**Cosette: Don't be frightened.**

**Oh Broadway and it's stalkers. Monty stalks Éponine, who stalks Marius, who stalks Cosette, who in turn stalks Marius. And Javert, who stalks Valjean. And Fan girls who stalk Enjy. The phantom (Erik) who stalks Christine, who is a human deer.**


	3. Awkward Turtle

**Disclaimer: Me not own les mis or phantom**

**And, for the moment I've been waiting for, the phantom finally comes in, and can have Marius and Éponine talk. I can't seem to make Marius fall in love with her, though. Who caught the pubic/public mix-up, it was a joke from my 7****th**** grade health class. Dark Times.**

**Marius: Little Lottie, let her mind wander. Little Lottie thought, am I fonder of dolls, or of goblins or shoes. **What am I saying? **Or of riddles or frocks.**

**Éponine: Raoul. Those picnics in the attics.**

**Raoul: Or of chocolates.**

**Éponine: Father playing the violin. ** Well, he claimed he did in a fake letter.

**Marius: As we read to each other, dark stories of the North.**

**Éponine: No what I love best, Lottie said, is when I'm asleep in my bed. And the Angel of Music sings songs in my head. ** God! That's creepy.

**Éponine & Marius: The Angel of Music sings songs in my head. (Awkward hug)**

**Marius: You sang like an angel tonight.**

**Éponine: Father said, when I'm in heaven child, I will send the Angel of Music to you. Well, Father's dead, Raoul, and I have been visited by the angel of music.**

**Marius: Oh, no doubt of it. And now, we go to supper.**

**Éponine: No, the Angel of Music is very strict.**

**Marius: Well, I shan't keep you up late (Awkward laugh)**

**Éponine: Raoul, no!**

And now to change well the phantom looks through my dressing room mirror.

Monty: Ignorant foo-

Éponine: AHHHHHH, not yet!

Monty: Oh sorry. (Awkward pause) You done putting on a minimal amount of clothes yet?

Éponine: Can't you see through my mirror.

Monty: Is that an invitation? (No answer) I'm just going to blow out the candles.

Éponine: And I thought you were creepy without being the Phantom.

**Monty: Insolent boy! This slave of fashion.**

**Basking in your glory.**

Éponine: He's offstage so he's probably basking in Cosette's love.

**Monty: Ignorant fool!**

Éponine: No need to be mean.

**Monty: This brave young suitor, sharing in my triumph.**

**Éponine: Angel I hear you speak, I listen.**

**Stay by my side, guide me, **but don't.

**Angel my soul was weak, forgive me.**

**Enter at last, Master.**

**Monty: Flattering child, you shall know me.**

**See why in shadow I hide**, usually from the cops.

**Look at your face in the mirror.**

**I am there inside.**

Éponine: Creepy. **Angel of Music, Guide and Guardian.**

**Grant to me your glory.**

**Angel of Music, hide no longer,**

**Come to me strange angel.**

**Monty: I am your angel of Music.**

**Come to me, angel of music,** wait, so she's the angel of music, too?

**I am your angel of Music, come to me angel of music.**

**Marius: Whose is that voice, who is that in there? Christine, I wouldn't go in there if I were you, just listen to that creepy music.**

**Monty: I am your angel of Music, come to me angel of Music.**

Éponine: I don't trust you

Monty: Éponine, what am I going to do to you?

Éponine: How many times have I heard that from you. (**Awkwardly takes his hand.)**

**In sleep, he sang to me.**

**In dreams, he came.**

**That voice which calls to me, **

**And speaks my name,**

**And do I dream again?**

**For now I find**

**The phantom of the opera is there, inside my mind.**

Monty: And they said I was obsessed. Hey when did you get makeup on?

**Sing once again with me,**

**Our strange duet,**

**My power over you**

**Grows stronger yet.**

**Éponine: That torch is a little too close.**

**Monty: And though you turn from me,**

**To glance behind** (sees Éponine looking longingly at Marius, and grabs her chin to pull her head towards him)

**The Phantom of the Opera is there,**

**Inside your mind.**

**Éponine: Those who have seen your face,**

**Draw back in fear,**

**I am the mask you wear.**

**Monty: It's me, they hear.**

**Monty & Éponine: My/Your Spirit and Your/My voice, in one combined.**

**The phantom of the opera is there,**

**Inside your/my mind.**

**Monty: Sing, my angel of music**, wait she's the angel of music?

**Éponine: Is there, the phantom of the opera.**

**Ahhhhhhhhh,** little high, but ok.

**Ahhhhhh**, oh a little higher, ok, I'll try.

**Ahhhhhhh**

**Monty: Sing for me.**

**Eponine: ahhhhhhhhh, **this is too high!

**Monty: Sing my angel of music.**

**Éponine: MERDE**

**MERDE**

**MERDE**

**Monty: Sing for me!**

**Éponine: (BLEEP),** WHY COULDN'T I JUST HAVE BEEN AUTOTUNED! Are you trying to kill me?

**Monty: I have brought you, to the seat of sweet music's throne.**

**To this kingdom where all must pay homage to music, music.**

**You have come here, for one purpose and one alone.**

Éponine: Because you made me.

**Monty: From the moment, I first heard you sing, I have needed you with me, to serve me to sing.**

**For my music, my music.**

**Night-time sharpens, heightens each sensation, **What sensation?

**Darkness stirs and wakes imagination,**

**Silently the senses abandon their defenses, **oh, now I see where this is going.

**Slowly, gently night unfurls its splendor **

**Grasp it, sense it - tremulous and tender, **awkward turtle

**Turn your face away from the garish light of day, **

**turn your thoughts away from cold, unfeeling light **

**and listen to the music of the night, **is this supposed to be one of those symbolic things where only special people can hear it? Like hearing the people sing, cause I don't hear anything.

**Close your eyes and surrender to your darkest dreams! **

**Purge your thoughts of the life you knew before! **

**Close your eyes, let your spirit start to soar! **

**And you'll live as you've never lived before **

**Softly, deftly, music shall surround you**

**Feel it, hear it, closing in around you, **is this a horror movie?

**Open up your mind, let your fantasies unwind, **

**in this darkness which you know you cannot fight - **

**the darkness of the music of the night. **

**Let your mind start a journey through a strange, new world! **It's just night, wow.

**Leave all thoughts of the world you knew before! **

**Let your soul **

**Take you where you long to be! **Someone excited about darkness, no need to shout.

**Only then can you belong to me. **'Ponine already belongs to me.

**Floating, falling, sweet intoxication! **

Éponine: Awkward turtle…

**Monty: Touch me, trust me, savor each sensation! **

Éponine: Trust you, you kidnapped me! And there's more-

**Monty: Let the dream begin, **

**let your darker side give in to the power of **

**the music that I write - the power of the music of the night **

(takes a chloroform rag, and puts it over Éponine's mouth, she faints)

Where am I supposed to carry her?

Director: Your bed.

Monty: Wow, this entire scene, man…

**You alone can make my song take flight - **

**help me make the music of the night **(Creepily stares at her through the curtain)

**(Scene change)**

**Grantaire (Drunk as usual): Like yellow parchment is his skin,**

**A great black hole serves as the nose that never grew.**

**You must be always on your guard, or he will catch you with his magical lasso.** Wait, this is a noose.

**Fantine: Those who speak of what they know, find too late that prudent silence is wise.**

**Joseph Buquet, **(whispers) that's your character, don't forget it again.

**Hold your tongue! (slaps Grantaire)**

Grantaire: Ow

**Fantine: Keep your hand at the level of your eyes.**

Grantaire: Why?

**(Scene change)**

Éponine (waking up): 'Parnasse, I'm going to kill you.

**I remember this was mist,**

**Swirling mist upon a vast, glassy lake.**

**There were candles all around,**

**And on the lake there was a boat,**

**And in the boat, there was a man,**

Montparnasse, is that a diary?

**Who was that shape in the shadows,**

**Whose is the face in the mask? (Takes Montparnasse's mask off)**

**Monty: Damn you!**

**You little prying Pandora,**

**You little demon,** I always wanted to tell you that.

**Is this what you wanted to see.**

**Curse you,**

**You little lying Delilah, you little viper.**

**Now you cannot ever be free.**

**Damn you, curse you.**

**Stranger than you dreamt it, can you even dare to look.**

**Or bare to think of me, this lonesome gargoyle,**

**Who seems a beast but secretly dreams of beauty, secretly, secretly.**

**Oh, Christine.**

**('Ponine hands ' Parnasse his mask back)**

**Come we must return, those two fools who run my theatre will be missing you.**

**Awkward Turtle, hehe. My friend listened to Music of the Night, and she was like, this is so suggestive, and my innocent little mind didn't understand. Now I do.**

**R&R**


	4. Parnasse with a Punjab Lasso

**Disclaimer: Me not own les mis or Phantom**

**Yay, maybe now Marius will fall in love with Éponine. Uh-oh, if that happens, and I armed 'Parnasse with a Punjab lasso, that's not good.**

**Javert: "Mystery after gala night," it says, "mystery of soprano's flight".**

**"Mystified," all the papers say, "We are mystified. We suspect foul play!"**

**Bad news on soprano scene**

**First Carlotta, now Christine.**

**Still at least the seats get sold,**

**Gossip's worth its weight in gold. **This man ought to be arrested!

**What a way to run a business**

**Spare me these unending trials**

**Half your cast disappears**

**But the crowd still cheers**

**Opera!**

**To hell with Gluck and Handel**

**Have a scandal and you're sure to have a hit! **Scandals are NOT good!

**JVJ: Damnable! **

**Will they all walk out?**

**This is damnable!**

**Javert: Andre please don't shout**

**It's publicity and the take is vast**

**Free publicity**

**JVJ: But we have no cast!**

**Javert: Andre have you seen the queue, **What queue?

**Ah, it seems you've got one too**

**JVJ: "Dear Andre what a charming gala,**

**Christine was in a word sublime**

**We were hardly bereft when Carlotta left**

**On that note: The diva's a disaster,**

**Must you cast her when she's seasons past her prime?"**

**Javert: "Dear Firmin just a brief reminder;**

**My salary has not been paid**

**Send it care of the ghost**

**By return of post**

**P.T.O No one likes a debter so it's better if my orders are obeyed!"**

That's Blackmail, and will NOT be tolerated!

**Javert & JVJ: Who would have the gall to send this?**

**Someone with a puerile brain**

**Javert: These are both signed O.G**

**JVJ: Who the hell is he?**

**Javert & JVJ: Opera Ghost!**

**Javert: It is nothing short of shocking**

**JVJ: He is mocking our position**

**Javert: In addition he wants money**

That's the devil's playmate as usual.

**JVJ: What a funny apparition**

**Javert & JVJ: To expect a large retainer**

**Nothing plainer**

**He is clearly quite insane**

**Marius: Where is she?**

Monty: oh look, it's the fop, playing the fop.

**JVJ: You mean **Cosette, I mean** Carlotta?**

**Marius: I mean Miss Daaé.**

**Where is she?**

**Javert: Well how should we know?**

**Marius: I want an answer**

**I take it that you sent me this note**

**JVJ: What all this nonsense? **MY daughter, AND Éponine, I may just move to England.

**Of course not**

**Javert: Don't look at us**

**Marius: She's not with you then?**

**Javert: Of course not**

**JVJ: We're in the dark**

**Marius: Monsieur don't argue**

**Isn't this the letter you wrote**

**Javert: And what is that we're meant to have wrote?**

**...Written!**

**JVJ: Do not fear for Miss Daaé**

**The Angel of Music has her under his wing**

**Make no attempt to see her again."**

**Marius: If you didn't write it then who did?**

**Madame T: Where is he?**

**Javert: Ah, welcome back!**

**Madame T & T: Where is he?**

**Your precious patron**

**Where is he?**

**Marius What is it now?**

**Madame T: I have your letter**

**A letter that which I rather resent**

**Javert: And did you send it?**

**Marius: Of course not!**

**JVJ: As if he would**

T: I would, 'Parnasse is learning well.

**Madame T & T: You didn't send it?**

**Marius: Of course not!**

**Javert: What going on?**

**Madame T: You dare to tell me**

**That this is not the letter you sent**

**Marius: And what is it that I'm meant to have sent?**

**"Your days at the Opera Populaire are numbered.**

**Christine Daaé will be singing on your behalf tonight.**

**Be prepared for a great misfortune should you attempt to take her place."**

**Javert & JVJ: Far too many notes for my taste**

**And most of them about Christine**

**All we've heard since we came**

**Is Miss Daaé's name**

**Fantine: Miss Daaé has returned**

**Javert: No worse for wear as far as we're concerned**

**JVJ: Where precisely is she now?**

**Fantine: I thought it best she was alone**

**Cosette: She needed rest**

**Marius: May I see her?**

**Fantine: No monsieur she will see no one**

Marius: I meant Cosette.

**Madame T & T: Will she sing?**

**Will she sing?**

**Fantine: Here I have a note**

**All: Let me see it**

**Javert: Please**

**"Gentlemen, I have now sent you several notes of the most amiable nature detailing how my Opera House is to be run**

**You have ignored my orders…**

**Monty: ...I shall give you one last chance**

Marius: Where is that voice coming from?

**Monty: Christine Daaé has returned to you**

**And I am anxious her career should progress**

**In the new production of Il Muto**

**You will therefore cast Carlotta as the page boy**

**And put Miss Daaé in the role of Countess**

**The role which Miss Daaé plays calls for charm and appeal**

**The role of the page boy is silent which makes my casting in a word, ideal**

**I shall watch the performance from my normal seat in box 5 which will be kept empty for me**

**Should these commands be ignored a disaster beyond your imagination will occur**

**I remain, gentlemen, your obedient servant**

**O.G**

**Madame T & T: Christine!**

**JVJ: Whatever next?**

**Madame T: It's all a ploy to help Christine**

**Javert: This is insane**

**Madame T: I know who sent this**

**The Viscount, her lover**

Marius & Cosette: A heart full of love…

**Javert: Signora**

**JVJ: This is a joke**

**Javert: This changes nothing,** I'll still get you 2460-

**Madame T: O mentitori**

**Javert: Signora!**

**JVJ: You are our star**

**Javert: And always will be**

**JVJ: Signora**

**Javert: Miss Daaé will be playing the page boy**

**The silent role**

**Javert & JVJ: Carlotta will be playing the lead! **

**Fantine: Who scorn his word beware to those**

**The angel sees, the angel knows **

**Marius: I must see her**

**Where did she go?**

Cosette!

**All**

**What new surprises lie in store**

**Javert: Your public needs you**

**JVJ: We need you too**

**Madame T: Wouldn't you rather have your precious little ingénue?**

**Javert & JVJ: Signora no! The World wants you**

**Prima Donna first lady of the stage**

**Your devotees are on their knees to implore you**

**JVJ: Can you bow out when they're shouting your name?**

**Javert: Think of how they all adore you**

**Javert & JVJ: Prima donna enchant us once again**

**JVJ: Think of your muse**

**Javert: And all your queues 'round the theatre!**

**Javert & JVJ: Can you deny us the triumph in store?**

**Sing Prima Donna once more**

**Marius: Christine spoke of an angel**

**Madame T: Prima Donna your song shall live again**

**You took a snub but there's a public who needs you**

**Fantine: She has heard the voice of the Angel of Music**

**Javert: Those who hear you liken you to an angel**

**Madame T: Think of the cry of undying support**

**JVJ: We get her Opera**

**Javert: She gets her limelight**

**Madame T: Follow where the lime light leads you**

**Javert: Leading ladies are a trial**

All this, for someone who can't sing!

**Marius: Order, warnings lunatic!**

**Javert: Lunatic demands are regular occurrences**

**Madame T: Think how you'll sing in that final encore**

**JVJ: Sing Prima Donna once more**

**Marius: I must see these demands are rejected**

That's stupid; Montparnasse already has it in for me.

**Javert & JVJ: Who'd believe a diva happy to relieve**

**A chorus girl whose gone and slept with the patron?**

**Raoul and the soubrette, entwined in love's duet!**

**Although he may demur, he must have been with her!**

Marius: Uh, no, not 'Ponine.

**Javert & JVJ: You'd never get away with all this in a play,**

**but if it's loudly sung and in a foreign tongue**

**It's just the sort of story audiences adore, in fact a perfect opera!**

**Éponine & Cosette: For if his curse is on this Opera**

**All: Prima Donna the world is at your feet**

**A nation waits, and how it hates to be cheated!**

**Still, the driest throat will reach the highest note**

**Sing Prima Donna**

**Once more!**

**(Scene Change)**

**Musichetta: They say that this youth has set my Lady's heart aflame!**

**Combeferre: His Lordship, sure, would die of shock**

**Brujon: His Lordship is a laughing-stock!**

**Azelma: Should he suspect her, God protect her!**

**Shame! Shame! Shame!**

**This faithless lady's bound for HADES!**

**Shame! Shame! Shame!**

**Madame T: Serafimo - your disguise is perfect.**

**Who can this be? **

**T: Gentle wife, admit your loving husband.**

**My love - I am called to England on affairs of State, and must leave you with your new maid.**

**Though I'd happily take the maid with me.**

**Madame T: The old fool's leaving!**

**Serafimo - away with this pretense!**

**You cannot speak, but kiss me in my husband's absence!**

**Poor fool, he makes me laugh!**

**Haha, Haha...**

**Time I tried to get a better, better half!**

**Students & factory workers: Poor fool, he doesn't know!**

**Hoho, Hoho...**

**If he knew the truth, he'd never, ever go!**

**Monty: Did I not instruct that Box Five was to be kept empty?**

**Cosette: He's here: the Phantom of the Opera ...**

**Éponine: It's him**

**Madame T: Your part is silent, little toad!**

Éponine: You've called me worse.

**Monty: A toad, madame? Perhaps it is you who are the toad ...**

**Madame T: Serafimo, away with this pretence!**

**You cannot speak, but kiss me in my ... (Croak)**

That wasn't on purpose

**Poor fool, he makes me laugh -**

**Hahahahaha! **

**Croak, croak, croak, croak, croak, croak**

**Javert: Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize, the performance will continue in ten minutes' time ... **

**... when the role of the Countess will be played by Miss Christine Daaé.**

**Meanwhile, we'd like to give you the ballet from Act Three of tonight's opera.**

**(A chase scene ensues, and Montparnasse hangs a dummy of Grantaire, because we can't find him)**

**Marius: Are you alright?**

**Éponine: Raoul, we're not safe here**

Marius: I was talking to Cosette.

Cosette: Don't do this, Marius, not the duet with her.

Marius: Shhh shhh, it's alright.

Cosette: No tongue.

Marius: Of course.

Éponine: aww

**JVJ: Ladies and gentlemen, please remain in your seats.**

**Do not panic.**

**It was an accident ... simply an accident**

**Marius: Why have you brought me here?**

**Éponine: Can't go back there!**

**Marius: We must return!**

**Éponine: He'll kill you!**

**His eyes will find us there!**

**Marius: Christine, don't say that . . .**

**Éponine: Those eyes that burn!**

**Marius: Don't even think it . . .**

**Éponine: And if he has to kill**

**a thousand men -**

**Marius: Forget this waking nightmare . . .**

**Éponine: The Phantom of the Opera will kill . . .**

**Marius: This Phantom is a fable**

**Believe me . . .**

**Éponine: and kill again!**

**Marius: There is no Phantom of the Opera **

**Éponine: My God, who is this man . . .**

**Marius: My God, who is this man . . .**

Wait, am I trying to convince there is or isn't a phantom, make up your mind!

**Éponine: who hunts to kill . . .?**

**Marius:. . . this mask of death . . .?**

**Éponine: I can't escape from him . . .**

**Marius: Whose is this voice you hear . . .**

**Éponine:. . .I never will!**

**Marius:. . . with every breath . . .?**

**Marius & Éponine:**

**And in this**

**labyrinth,**

**where night is blind**

**the Phantom of the Opera**

**is here:**

**inside your/my mind . . .**

**Marius: There is no Phantom of the Opera . . .**

**Éponine: Raoul, I've been there -**

**to his world of**

**unending night . . .**

**To a world where**

**the daylight dissolves**

**into darkness . . .darkness**

**Raoul, I've seen him!**

**Can I ever**

**forget that sight?**

**Can I ever**

**escape from that face?**

**So distorted,**

**deformed, it**

**was hardly a face,**

**in that darkness . . .**

**darkness . . .**

Wow, I'm nice. I insult him behind his back on the thing he's most self- conscious about?

**But his voice**

**filled my spirit**

**with a strange, sweet sound . . .**

**In that night**

**there was music**

**in my mind . . .**

**And through music**

**my soul began**

**to soar!**

**And I heard**

**as I'd never**

**heard before . . .**

**Marius: What you heard**

**was a dream**

**and nothing more . . .**

**Éponine: Yet in his eyes**

**all the sadness**

**of the world . . .**

**Those pleading eyes,**

**that both threaten**

**and adore . . .**

**Marius: Christine . . .**

**Christine. . .**

**Monty: Éponine . . .**

**Marius (Awkwardly): No more talk**

**of darkness,**

**Forget these**

**wide-eyed fears.**

**I'm here,**

**nothing can harm you -**

**my words will**

**warm and calm you.**

**Let me be**

**your freedom,**

**let daylight**

**dry -your tears.**

**I'm here,**

**with you, beside you,**

**to guard you**

**and to guide you . . .**

**Éponine (Excited): Say you love me**

**Every waking moment,**

**turn my head**

**with talk of summertime . . .**

**Say you need me**

**with you,**

**now and always . . .**

**promise me that all**

**you say is true -**

**that's all I ask of you . . .**

**Marius: Let me be your shelter,**

**let me be your light.**

**You're safe:**

**No-one will find you**

**your fears are far behind you . . .**

**Éponine: All I want**

**is freedom,**

**a world with no more night . . .**

**and you always beside me**

**to hold me**

**and to hide me . . .**

**Marius: Then say you'll share with**

**me one love, one lifetime . . .**

**Iet me lead you from your solitude . . .**

**Say you need me with you**

**here, beside you . . .**

**anywhere you go,**

**let me go too -**

**Éponine,**

**that's all I ask of you . . .**

**Éponine: Say you'll share with**

**me one love, one lifetime . . .**

**say the word and I will follow you . . .**

**Éponine& Marius: Share each day with me, **

**Each night, each morning . . .**

**Éponine: Say you love me . . .**

**Marius: You know I do . . . (She laughs crazed for a little while, looks back at Marius and giggles again, before getting really excited)**

**Éponine & Marius: Love me -**

**that's all I ask of you . . .**

**(Marius leans in to awkwardly kiss Éponine, which happens very slowly, as he is very reluctant to do this, at last Éponine, reaches up and pulls him in for the kiss)**

**Anywhere you go**

**let me go too . . .**

**Love me -**

**that's all I ask**

**of you . .**

Marius: Good God! That was… kind of nice.

**(They kiss again)**

**Éponine: I must go, they'll wonder where I am**

**Come with me Raoul...**

**Marius: Éponine, I love you...**

**(They kiss) **

**Éponine: Order your fine horses**

**Be with them at the door!**

**Marius: And soon you'll be beside me...**

**Éponine: You'll guard me and you'll guide me...**

**Monty: (Picks up Éponine's rose) **

**I gave you my music**

**Made your song take wing**

**And now, how you've repaid me**

**Denied me and betrayed me**

**He was bound to love you**

**When he heard you sing!**

**Éponine...**

**Éponine & Marius in distance: Say you'll share with me one love, one lifetime!**

**Say the word and I will follow you**

**Share each day with me, each night, each morning..**

**Monty: You will curse the day you did not do**

**All that the Phantom asked of you!**

**Uh-oh, while I successfully made Marius fall in love with 'Ponine, I also made Montparnasse mad, and armed him with that Punjab lasso, that's not good!**

**R&R**


	5. Intermission with Oliver! and Gavroche

Disclaimer: I don't own phantom les Mis or Oliver twist

**Meet the cast of Oliver twist, who were kind enough (with a little black mail) to be our audience. We have Oliver (of course), Fagin & co., Nancy, Bill Sikes, rose Maylee**

INTERMISSION

Oliver: wow that was sooo scary, right miss Nancy?

Nancy: I thought it was rather romantic, wouldn't ya say Bill?

Sikes: yeah, yeah, whatever. Ugh women.

Dodger: Well, I thought it was very romantic, I did Nancy.

Nancy: See Bill, even dodger likes it.

Dodger: (Whispers to Charlie) What're dey talkin' 'bout.

Charlie: (rolling eyes) The play, ya halfwit ninny.

Fagin: Ooh, look my dears, the cast is coming out!

Charlie: Why ya so excited?

Fagin: I've been a fan of Thénardier's for quite some time, my dear. He's my inspiration for our little occupation. (Whispers in Charlie, and Dodger's ears) And I know for a fact that Bill, even though he won't admit it, has idolized Montparnasse for quite some time. And Nancy is an Eppie bopper.

Monty: Wow, I have a bunch of adoring fans.

Monty and T: Hmm, I could take advantage of this.

Éponine: Gavroche, where have you been?

Gavroche: 'Ponine, doncha be blowin' meh cover, I just barely escaped, with the help of dodger over 'ere.

Éponine: Is that why you're talking with a Cockney accent.

Director: Aha, I found you!

Gavroche: Gotta run 'Ponine, Good job, btw.

Éponine: (Calling after him) People don't talk like that yet!

Nancy: Éponine!

Éponine: Bonjour… What do ya want from me?

Nancy: Just an autograph. I really admire your story. So tragic. But if I were you I'd stick with 'Parnasse, he needs you.

Éponine: But I finally got Marius.

Nancy: Good, I know you'll be happy together.

Sikes: (fan girlish squeal) Monty (coughs) I mean, Montparnasse. Can I talk with you.

Monty: Fine, look I got a free Punjab lasso!

Sikes: What about your knife, Stabby?

Monty: Stabby and I just weren't working out. It was just so (Voice crack) hard, to say goodbye.

Fagin: Thénardier, my dear. How about an autograph for a poor old man?

T: How much ya be payin me?

Fagin: how about a shilling?

T: Man this ain't money! This is fake, and I threw it on the ground!

Dodger: Look at all this! Ya know wot? I'm leavin!

Director: How unfortunate, sir artful. Hey everyone! Look what I've got! (holds up the artful dodger's diary, which he quickly grabs, and puts behind his back)

Dodger: Please have mercy, oh kind one!

Rose: Cosette, how on earth did you end up with that part?

Cosette: I don't know, but have you seen Marius?

Charlie: (running from Marius, laughing like a madman, and holding up the ring he pickpocketed from Marius.)

Javert: (Running after JVJ)

Director: INTERMISSION OVER!


	6. Modern Family

**Disclaimer: I no own phantom or les mis**

Dodger: Wait, again, I thought we were done.

Nancy: No this is the last act.

Dodger: Man, I'm bored.

(Everyone gasps)

Dodger: Wha- (gasp)

Director (Angry zeus voice): Who said they were bored?

Dodger: I'm sorry, forgive me!

Director: Mwah ha ha ha ha

(Artful Dodger disappears in a puff of smoke)

**ENTR'ACTE**

**Javert: (Spoken) 24601! **

**JVJ: (Spoken) Monsieur Firmin! **

**Javert: Dear Andre, what a splendid party **

**JVJ: The prelude to a bright new year **

**Javert: Quite a night, I'm impressed **

**JVJ: Well, one does one's best **

**JVJ and Javert: Here's to us **

**JVJ: A toast for the city! **

**Javert: What a pity that the Phantom can't be here!**

**Chorus/Crowd: Masquerade! Paper faces on parade. Masquerade! Hide your face so the world will never find you, Masquerade! Every face a different shade, Masquerade! Look around, there's another mask behind you. **

**SKIP**

**Mme T: What a night! **

**Javert: What a crowd!**

**JVJ: Makes you glad**

**JAVERT: Makes you proud! All the crème, De la crème **

**Fantine: (Overlapping)Watching us….**

**COSETTE: (Overlapping)Watching them… **Who?

**MME T: (Overlapping) All our fears are in the past **

**JVJ: Three months **

**Piangi: Of relief! **

**Mme T: Of delight! **

**PIANGI: And we can breathe at last. **

**Mme T: No more notes **

**Piangi: No more ghost **

**Fantine: Here's a health **

**JVJ Here's a toast, to a prosperous year**

**Javert: To our friends who are here **

**Piangi and Mme T: And may the splendor never fade! **

**Javert/JVJ: What a blessed release! **

**Fantine: And what a masquerade! **

**Éponine: Think of it (Spoken) A secret engagement. Look, your future bride. Just think of it. **Bout time!

**Marius: (Spoken) But, why is it secret? What have we to hide? You promised me. **

**Éponine: (Spoken) No, Raoul, please don't, they'll see. **

**Marius: (Spoken) Well then let them see. It's an engagement, not a crime. (Sung) Christine, what are you afraid of?**

**Éponine(and Marius in parenthesis): Let's not argue(Let's not argue)/Please pretend (I can only hope)/You will understand in time (I'll understand in time) **

**Chorus/Crowd: Masquerade!/Paper faces on parade/Masquerade!/Hide your face so the world will never find you/Masquerade!/Every face a different shade/Masquerade!/Look around, there's another mask behind you/Masquerade!/Burning glances, turning heads/Masquerade!/Stop and stare at the sea of smiles around you/Masquerade!/Grinning yellows, Spinning reds/Masquerade!/Take your fill, let the spectacle astound you. **

**( Voices fade and turn to gasps as the lights dim and the Monty appears at the top of the stairways )**

**Monty: Why so silent, good Messieurs? **If you've never seen me, then how do you know it's me? **/Did you think that I had left you for good**? I'm the damn Phantom of the Opera, man! Come on!** Have you missed me, good Messieurs? **Since I just walked in on you celebrating my absence I'm guessing not. **I have written you an opera. Here, I bring the finished score. Don Juan Triumphant! Fondest greetings to you all, A few instructions just before rehearsal starts, Carlotta must be taught to act, Not her normal trick of strutting round the stage, Our Don Juan must lose some weight, It's not healthy in a man of Piangi's age. And my managers must learn that their place is in an office, Not the arts. **Wow, so am I just insulting everyone in this scene?** As for our star, Miss Christine Daaé...**

**No doubt she'll do her best, It's true, her voice is good, She knows, though, Should she wish to excel. She has much still to learn/If pride will let her return to me, her teacher, Her teacher...**

Éponine: And I trust him enough to walk to him, why?

**Monty: Your chains are still mine, (spoken)You belong to me! **As usual, (flames) ooh pretty lights… (falls) SHIIIiiiittt!

Marius: Time to do something unlike me, or Raoul. It's TIME to… (Jumps after Monty) GROW A PAIR!

Éponine: Marius! Good God, you loony.

Cosette: Been spending much time around MY lover, I see.

**Marius: (unsure of what to do, start swinging his sword wherever, until Fantine finds him and drags him away)**

**SKIP boring dialogue**

**FAIRGROUND SCENE**

**(A child is in a cage, assuming he is the phantom. When the cloth comes off his face, the actor is revealed)**

Dodger: 'elp me! I'm in a cage, just cause I said I was bored.

Cosette: Don't you know that's the reason this play even happened, cause we said we were bored. And she heard us all the way from the other side of the world. Well, at least your scene is short.

Gavroche: Whew, that was supposed to be me.

Director: Found you!

Gavroche: Ahhh

Éponine: I'm just getting out of bed, when did I have time to put on makeup?

Director: When did you have time to even get in that bed?

Éponine: Touché.

Wait a sec where am I going, am I leaving? With the phantom on the loose? When did that guy have time to change into those mysterious clothes? Since when do taxi drivers wear a cloak and a mask? How do I not find this suspicious? **To my father's grave please.** _That's_ where I'm going? So a trip to the graveyard in a time where I should never leave the opera house sounds like a good idea? God, she's a human deer. **In sleep he sang to me, in dreams he came. That voice which calls to me, and speaks my name. Little Lottie thought of everything and nothing. **This again, huh? WTF does that mean? **Her father promised her that he would send her the angel of music, her father promised her, her father promised her. **Well boo hoo, my father promised me a lot of things, but he never did them either.

**You were once my one companion. You were all that mattered. You were once a friend and father Then my world was shattered.**

**Wishing you were somehow here again. Wishing you were somehow near. Sometimes it seemed if I just dreamed. Somehow you would be here**

**Wishing I could hear your voice again. Knowing that I never would. Dreaming of you won't help me to doAll that you dreamed I could.**

**Passing bells and sculpted angels, Cold and monumental. Seem, for you the wrong companions. You were warm and gentle.**

**Too many years fighting back tears. Why can't the past just die? Wishing you were somehow here again. Knowing we must say, "Goodbye" Try to forgive, teach me to live. Give me the strength to try. No more memories, no more silent tears. No more gazing across the wasted years. Help me say, "Goodbye" Help me say, "Goodbye"**

**Monty: Wandering child, So lost, So helpless . . . Yearning for my**

**Guidance.**

**Éponine: **Oh… _this _again? Gimme a break.** Angel or father. Friend or Phantom? Who is it there, Staring?**

**Monty: Have you forgotten your Angel? **Damn this girl's dumb, she's falling for the same trick, _again?_

**Éponine: Angel oh, speak, What endless longings**

**Echo in this whisper!**

**Monty: Too long you've wandered in winter, Far from my fathering gaze . . .**

**Éponine: Wildly my mind beats against you . . . **Yeah cause he's the phantom, duh!

**Monty: You resist . . .**

**Éponine/Monty: Yet your/the soul Obeys **

**Angel of Music!**

**You denied me/I denied you**

**Turning from true beauty . . .**

**Angel of Music!**

**Do not shun me/My protector . . .**

**Come to your strange Angel**

**Monty: I am your Angel of Music . . .**

**Come to me: Angel of Music . . .**

**I am your Angel of Music . . .**

**Come to me: Angel of Music . . .**

**Marius: **Sorry I'm late, man I missed a bunch of my lines! Wait, don't go into the light!

**Christine! Christine listen to me!**

**Whatever you may believe, this man. . . this thing! is not your father!**

**Monty: Bravo Monsieur! Some Spir-**

Director: We cut that part out, remember?

Monty: Damn, I wanted to throw fire. Well, at least I get to try to kill Marius.

Director: Oh no you don't, you're going to let him win!

Monty: But then everyone would know it was fake. Imma cut you, bitch!

**(Sword fight, Montparnasse manages only to cut Marius)**

**Éponine: No! Not like this.**

**Monty: **I knew you'd come around, hey wait, why are you leaving me here… aww. **Now, let it be war upon you both! (Dramatic cape twirl).**


	7. unsupportive fiance

**Disclaimer: I no own phantom or les mis**

Anybody get the Modern Family reference from the last chapter, lol. Also, I've been slow on chapters cause I just got a puppy, who I named Gavroche

**Marius: We have all been blind,**

**And yet the answer is staring us in the face, **wow Raoul is being smart, isn't that a bit out of character?

**This could be the chance, to ensnare our clever friend.** Where are we walking right now?

**JVJ: We're listening.**

**Javert: Go on.**

**Marius: We, shall play his game, but remember we hold peace.**

**For if, Miss Daaé sings, he is certain to attend… **Wow, I'm using my own fiancé as bait.

**JVJ: We are certain the doors are barred.**

**Javert: We are certain the police are there, **like me.

**Marius/JVJ/Javert: The curtain falls, his reign will end!**

**Éponine: Raoul… I'm frightened.**

**Marius: Well suck it up.**

**Éponine: Don't make me do this. Raoul, he scares me… Don't put me through this ordeal by fire.**

**He'll take me, I know. We'll be parted forever. He won't let me go.**

Marius: Well then if that's the case, then I can just go with Cosette instead.

**Éponine: What I once used to dream, I now dread. If he finds me, it won't ever end.**

**(sung) And he'll always be there, singing songs in my head, he'll always be there, singing songs in my head.**

**Marius: **… You're crazy. **You said yourself; he was nothing, but a man. Yet, while he lives, he will haunt us till we're dead.**

**Éponine: Twisted every way,**

**What answer can I give?**

**Am I to risk my life,**

**To win the chance to live? **That's just messed up.

**Can I betray the man**

**Who once inspired my voice?**

**Do I become his prey?**

**Do I have any choice?**

**He kills without a thought, **nothing new here.

**He murders all that's good . . . **since when was Joseph Buquet good?

**I know I can't refuse**

**And yet, I wish I could . . .**

**Oh God - if I agree,**

**What horrors wait for me**

**In this, the Phantom's opera?**

**Marius: Christine, Christine,**

**Don't think that I don't care -**

**But every hope**

**And every prayer**

**Rests on you now. **No pressure.

**CHORUS: Here the sire may serve the dam, here the master takes his meat! here the sacrifical lamb utters one despairing bleat.**

**Mme T/CHORUS: Poor young maiden! For the thrill on your tongue of stolen sweets,**

**You will have to pay the bill- tangled in the winding sheets!**

**Serve the meal and serve the maid!**

**Serve the master so that, when tables, plans and maids are laid.**

**Don Juan triumphs once again!**

**Courfeyrac: Passarino faithful friend. Once again recite the plan.**

**Thénardier: Your young guest believes I'm you, I, the master, you the man.**

**Courfeyrac: When you met, you wore my cloak, With my scarf you hid your face. She believes she dines with me. In her master's borrowed place! Furtively, we'll scoff and quaff, Stealing what in truth is mine, When it's late and modesty starts to mellow with the wine!**

**Thénardier: You come home! I use your voice...Slam the door like crack of doom!**

**Courfeyrac: I shall say Come hide with me! Where oh where? Of course, my room**

**Thénardier: Poor thing hasn't got a chance **

**Courfeyrac: Here's my hat, my cloak and sword. Conquest is assured If I do not forget myself and laugh.**

**Éponine: No thoughts within her head but thoughts of joy No dreams within her heart, but dreams of love. **Does she know she's on a date with a total player?

**Thénardier: Master?**

**Monty: Passarino, go away, for the trap is set and waits for his prey!**

Éponine: Oh it's you… damn.

**Monty: You have come here In pursuit of your deepest urge. In pursuit of that wish which till now has been silent...Silent. I have brought you That our passions may fuse and merge In your mind you've already succumbed to me, dropped all defenses. Completely succumbed to me Now you are here with me No second thoughts. You've decided, Decided. **

Éponine: Marius, are you just going to let this happen?

**Monty: Past the point of no return **

**No backward glances **

**Our games of make-believe are at an end. **

**Past all thought of "if" or "when" **

**No use resisting **

**Abandon thought and let the dream descend **

Éponine: Whoa, too close!

**Monty: What raging FIRE shall flood the soul **

**What rich desire unlocks it's door **

**What sweet seduction lies before us? **

Éponine: If by seduction you mean a slap in the face!

**Monty: Past the point of no return **

**The final threshold **

**What warm unspoken secrets **

**Will we learn **

**Beyond the point of no return? **

**Éponine: You have brought me **

**To that moment when words run dry **

**To that moment when speech disappears **

**Into silence **

**Silence. **

**I have come here, **

**Hardly knowing the reason why **

**In my mind I've already imagined **

**Our bodies entwining **

**Defenseless and silent, **God! Who wrote this!

Monty: The phantom did.

**Éponine: **And I thought music of the night had innuendos. **Now I am here with you **

**No second thoughts **

**I've decided **

**Decided. ** Well, I kinda have to cause _someone_ (gestures to Marius) is just sitting there looking scared, but not doing anything.

**Past the point of no return **

**No going back now **

**Our passion-play has now at last begun. **

**Past all thought of right or wrong **

**One final question **

**How long should we two wait before we're one? **How about eternity.

**When will the blood begin to race **

**The sleeping bud burst into bloom **

**When will the flames at last CONSUME us? **

**Monty/Éponine: Past the point of no return **

**The final threshold **

**The bridge is crossed**

**So stand and watch it burn **

**We've passed the point of no return. **

Éponine: I kinda find it creepy that your caressing my neck, when your signature weapon is a noose.

**Monty: Say you'll share with me **

**One love, one lifetime **

Marius: (swaying in his seat with a cell phone) Ooh

**Monty: Lead me, save me from my solitude **

**Say you want me **

**With you here **

**Beside you **

Marius: Wait a minute, HEY, that's _my_ song!

**Anywhere you go **

**Let me go too **

**Christine that's all I ask of…**

**(Éponine pulls off mask… and bursts out laughing)**

Éponine: You call _that _a deformity! We've made such a big deal over that! That's a freakin sunburn… with bad acne.

Monty: Hey, no need to be mean! Anyway, I'm gonna kidnap you, but first…

**(Montparnasse holds out his knife)**

Monty: Oh how I've missed you, Stabby.

(**He brings down the chandelier)**

Éponine: Was that really necessary? Hey! Lemme go!

**Marius: Where did he take her?**

**Fantine: Come with me, Monsieur, I will take you to him, but remember, keep your hand at the level of your eyes!**

**Cosette: I'll come with you! **I want to make sure Éponine keeps a fair distance.

**Fantine: No! You must stay here!**


	8. Finale

Disclaimer: No, I still don't own les mis or phantom.

**Just because phantom is almost over, doesn't mean this is. That's right, I have more musicals in mind for the cast of Les Mis, just type suggestion when you review and if you want me to make more, then you can tell me. Here's some I had in mind, Wicked, Rent, Once on this Island, Love never Dies, Les Miserables (yep), Oliver!, Legally Blonde, Guys and Dolls, Notre Dame de Paris (Hunchback of Notre dame), 25****th**** Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee, Dracula, The Little Mermaid, Hercules, Beauty & the Beast, Mulan, Aladdin, Pocahontas, Bye Bye Birdie (HATE THAT MUSICAL), Grease (HATE THAT ONE TOO), My Fair Lady, Evita, Joseph (too lazy to type) dreamcoat, Addams Family, and Billy Elliot.**

**Also I've been busy, cause I hate high school, and I just played Logainne SchartzandGrubenierre in 25****th**** annual Putnam county Spelling bee right now, and it's so hectic.**

**Monty: Down once more to the dungeon of my black despair. Down we plunge to the prison of my mind. Down that path into darkness deep as hell!**

Éponine: It smells down here, and last time there were candles! And I got to ride a horse!

Monty: Stop whining, bitch! We're in a sewer. And we had some budget cuts.

Éponine: And when did you change your shirt to that… (sees undershirt) oh, wow… that's kinda hot.

Monty: My contract says I have to wear 75% less clothing for this scene.

Éponine: Why does it have the name Taylor Lautner crossed out, and yours above it?

**Monty: Why, you ask, was I bound and chained In this cold and dismal place? Not for any mortal sin But the wickedness of my abhorrent face!**

Éponine: Stop pulling! Can't you just carry me again?

**MOB: Track down this murderer He must be found Hunt down this murderer He must be found.**

**Monty: Hounded out by everyone. **Nothing new.** Met with hatred everywhere. No kind words from anyone. **That's not true, many whores have said I was hot.** No compassion anywhere Christine, Christine, Why, why... **(Éponine staring at his abs, drooling) What?

Éponine: Damn, you fine! Like on a scale from 1 to Enjolras, you're… hot.

**Fantine: Your hand at the level of your eyes.**

**Marius: At the level of your eyes. **Ha, I'm a parrot.

**Fantine: This is as far as I dare go. **Should I warn him about… Nah.

**Marius: Merci. **See I know French.

Fantine: That's your native language.

Marius: Then why am I always speaking English? Running down steps.

Director: Don't read the stage directions.

Marius: Damn, Montparnasse gets to take his shirt off! I'll show you. (takes shirt off, and looks for approval).

Director: Eh.

Marius: Well… you're just a (falls) FFUUUUuuuucjjj!

Cosette: You spelled it wrong.

JVJ: You know how to spell a swear word? Go wash your mouth with soap.

Marius: (Lands in water) Wow, mighta warned me about this!

Director: Bored now! (fastforwards, and Marius is in super speed getting out.)

**Éponine: **Ooh, what a pretty dress!** Have you gorged yourself at last in your lust for blood? Am I now to be prey to your lust for flesh? **But if you keep making me dresses like this, then I don't care, plus you're Ab-U-Lous!

**Monty: **I told you I was before and you didn't listen!** That fate which condemns me to wallow in blood. Has also denied me, the joys of the flesh. This face the infection, which poisons our love. This face which earned, a mother's fear and loathing. A mask, my first unfeeling scrap of clothing. Pity comes too late. Turn around and face your fate. An eternity of this before your eyes. **My face is up here 'Ponine!

**Éponine: This haunted face holds no horror for me now. It's in your soul that the true distortion lies.** Oh yeah that's why I didn't like you. Well now it just depends on if Marius is as abulous as you.

**Monty: Wait! I think, my dear, we have a guest. **Let's find out now.

**Éponine: Raoul! **(Marius gestures to abs)Eh.

Marius: Eh! Seriously!

**Monty: Sir, this is indeed, an unparalleled delight! **I knew I had better abs!** I had rather hoped That you would come. And now my wish comes true. You have truly made my night! (Grabs Éponine, and pulls her close to him)**

**Éponine: Let me go! **(Feels his abs) On second thought… don't.

**Marius: Free her! Do what you will, only free her. Have you no pity? **

**Monty: Your lover makes a passionate plea. (Lets her go) **

**Éponine: Please, Raoul. It's useless. **

**Marius: I love her! Does that mean nothing? I love her! Show some compassion.**

**Monty: The world showed no compassion to me! **Ya tryin ter mess wit meh fool?!

Éponine: 'ow much time 'ave you been spendin 'round me brothah. Oh no, I'm talkin wit a cockney accent too!

**Marius: Christayne . . . Christayne . . . Let meh see 'er! **Damnit! It's a pandemic of cockney!

Éponine: It's me parents fault, and Gavroche's. They star'ed the cockey in Les Mis!

Nancy: (Calls from audience) Actually, I think it's our fault. They did Les Mis the musical cause of us. Sorry 'bout that!

**Monty: Be my guest, sir... Monsieur, I bid you welcome. Did you think that I would harm her?** Well, wouldn't be the first time.** Why should I make her pay, for the sins which are yours? (Puts noose around Marius, who screams like a girl) Order your fine horses now! Raise up your hand to the level of your eyes! Nothing can save you now, except perhaps Christine.**

Éponine: Why are you dragging me into this?

**Monty: Start a new life with me. Buy his freedom with your love! Refuse me, and you send your lover to his death! This is the choice, this is the point of no return! **

**Éponine: **Merde… abs/ makes me pretty dresses… guy I love… abs/ guy who makes me pretty dresses… guy I love, ugh! Why is this so hard!** The tears I might have shed for your dark fate, grow cold and turn to tears of hate!**

**Marius: Christine, forgive me, please forgive me I did it all for you, and all for nothing. **At this point I wish I had just stuck with Cosette.

**Éponine: Farewell, my fallen idol and false friend. We had such hopes, and now those hopes are shattered! **Ooh… Drama!

**Monty: Too late for turning back. Too late for useless pity. **I know what's gonna happen, and I have to say, this is my favorite scene now.

**Marius: Say you love him, and my life is over.** But it's ok, you can just choose him.

**Montparnasse: Past all hope of cries for help. No point in fighting. **We know what's gonna happen, may as well skip the drama so I can kill him, and marry you.

**Monty (Marius): For either way you choose you cannot win(Either way you choose he has to win).**

**Monty: So do you end your days with me. Or do you send him to his grave?** Or both.

**Marius: Why make her lie to you to save me? **Though I'm perfectly fine with that.

**Monty: Past the point of no return.**

**Éponine: Angel of Music . . . **I thought we already figured out that he wasn't the angel of music.

**Marius: For pity's sake, Christine, say no! **

**Éponine: Why do you curse mercy?**

**Monty: The final threshold . . . **

**Marius: Don't throw your life away for my sake! **

**Monty: His life is now the prize which you must earn! **

**Marius: I fought so hard to free you . . . **Well, not really.

**Éponine: Angel of Music . . . **

**Monty: You've passed the point of no return! **

**Éponine: You deceived me I gave my mind blindly. **No, I was just a fucking idiot who believed a random voice was the angel of music.

**Monty: You try my patience, Make your choice! **(Sprays breath spray in his mouth)

**Éponine: Pitiful creature of darkness, what kind of life have you known? God give me courage to show you, you are not alone... (She leans in awkwardly to kiss him, and Monty rolls his eyes. She backs away, not wanting to kiss him, and then tries again, only to back away again.)**

Monty: Are you kidding me right now? (She finally kisses him, and Marius turns his head away)

Marius: Gross, you two have cooties now. 'Ponine has a boyfriend! 'Ponine has a boyfriend! Wait…

Director: (Éponine backs out of the kiss finally) Aww, how cute. I think I'll rewind.

Marius, Éponine: Noooooooo! (Rewinds, and Éponine has to kiss him again.)

Monty: And now…

**MOB Track down this murderer, he must be found! Hunt out this animal, who runs to ground! **

**Monty: Take her, Forget me,Forget all of this. **Hey, wait what!** Leave me alone, forget all you've seen. **No, this isn't what is supposed to be happening.** Go now don't let them find you, Take the boat. Swear to me, never to tell. The secret you know of the angel in Hell. Go now! Go now! And leave me! **What just happened?! **Masquerade Paper faces on parade . . . Masquerade Hide your face so the world will never find you . . . (Éponine comes in) 'Ponine, I love you... (She gives her ring back to a pissed off 'Parnasse, who is upset that it didn't end how he thought)**

**Éponine: Say you'll share with me one love, one lifetime.**

**RAOUL Say the word and I will follow you.**

**Éponine: Share each day with me. Each night, each morning.**

**Monty: You alone, can make my song take flight. It's over now, the music of the night! (he disappears)**

**Cosette: (Cosette enters, her pants soaking wet. She goes through the automatic dryer on the way to the phantom's room, and enters the room with dried pants. She picks up the mask.) **I still don't get why I didn't play Christine.

Director: Because you're blonde.

Cosette: First off, why does everyone always think I'm blonde? I had to wear a blonde wig so that I could play this part. Second, in the book, Christine is blonde.

Director: Shut up Cosette.

**(Marius, old again, enters to the grave of Christine of puts the monkey there. Leaves offstage to find Éponine)**

Eponine: Marius, I love you.

Marius: I love you, too. And there's something I want to ask you. (gets down on knee, and brings out small box to propose)

Eponine: Hold on, just a second, as soon as I get this make up off. (She wipes off makeup to reveal her dirt stained sunken cheeks.)

Marius: Alright now-

Eponine: Wait, I need to get this dress off. (takes off dress to reveal ragged clothes.)

Marius: (Grimaces, but carries on, loving her too much to care) Alright now-

Eponine: Hold up. I need to get these fake teeth off.

Marius:… What?

Eponine: (Takes off teeth, revealing her missing and blackened teeth.) Alright. What is it?

Marius: (Looks at her, with all the pretty things off)… I wanted to ask… Where is Cosette?

Cosette: I'm here.

Marius: Thank God! That's all I need to know.

**Sorry, I wish my last chapter could have been my best, but oh well, I tried. I'm sorry it took me so long to update. I hope you aren't too mad at me to review, maybe, please?**


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